4 Steps to Take When You’re Disappointed in Yourself

Yesterday, I was disappointed in myself. I was determined to finish writing a scene in a romance novel I’m currently working on. This is a crucial scene as the heroine is talking about her past with her ex-fiancé. But before I wrote the scene, I chose instead to go back to the first chapter of my manuscript and re-read it, thinking it would help with this scene. Two hours later, I was still reading the manuscript as I was editing it way before I normally do. Normally, I edit at the end of writing the draft. So, by the end of the day, I didn’t finish writing the scene I was determined to write when I sat down at my computer.

You’re probably thinking that’s not a big deal, and rationally it isn’t. But at the time I was devastated that I didn’t make my word count. Not making my word count makes me feel bad about myself.

As I got into bed to go to sleep, I still felt disappointed with myself, and that was not the way I wanted to end my day. I knew I had to think differently about the situation. Since I coach women who also feel disappointed with themselves from time to time, I thought about what I’d tell them.

First, I’d tell them to look at what is making them feel disappointed within themselves. Is what’s bothering you catastrophic?

Usually their answer is no. There are things in life that are catastrophic, but most likely this isn’t one of them.

Second, I ask them to close their eyes and release the feeling of disappointment. When I was lying in bed that night, there was nothing I could do to make my word count for the day as the day was over. But the feeling of being disappointed remained. There was nothing I could do to change the results, but I hated going to sleep feeling this way. It didn’t make me feel good and I didn’t want to wake up the next day in the same negative state of mind.

So, what I do and what I tell my clients to do is close your eyes. Take a deep breath through your nose and then exhale that feeling out. Send that awful feeling out into the Universe. It’s not helping you to keep that feeling inside. Keep taking deep breaths and exhale the feeling out until you feel better.

Once you’re feeling better, you’re ready for the third step. The third step is to close your eyes again and imagine your day being better tomorrow. For me, I imagined making my word count the next day and feeling happy about it. One of my clients, was on a strict diet. She ate a big cookie and she felt bad about herself. She imagined eating healthy the next day and she pictured exactly what she ate.

The fourth step is more of a reminder. I remind myself and my clients that the situation wasn’t catastrophic. And I remind them that they’re so lucky that they’re healthy and they have tomorrow to make different choices. I allow the feeling of gratitude to consume me and my clients. We’re lucky the sun will rise again the next day and we can start fresh. That’s definitely a reason to feel gratitude.

So, I’m going to list the steps I take and the steps I give the women I coach, to make it simpler for you. I hope it helps. If you need more guidance, please contact me. I’d love to help you further.

Step One:

Answer this question: Is what’s making you feel disappointed in yourself catastrophic? Think about it.

Step Two:

Take a deep breath and exhale out the bad feeling. Keep doing this until you feel better.

Step Three:

Close your eyes and imagine your day being better tomorrow. How would you do the day differently? If it’s a situation that made you feel disappointed in yourself, imagine how you can change the situation tomorrow.

Step Four:

Remind yourself that the situation wasn’t catastrophic. Then feel gratitude that you’re healthy and you’re able to make different choices tomorrow.

Disclaimer:

Everything I write about are tools I use and the women I coach use in order to live a happier and more fulfilling life. But everyone’s situation is different, and these tools may not work for you. I hope they do, but I’m only here to help you. There are many tools you can use to live a better life and that may or may not be my tools. But I truly hope I can help you!

Xo,
Rochelle

Trusting the Unknown

Trusting in the unknown has always been a huge problem for me as well as the women I coach. So, I thought I’d write about it and if you’re struggling, too, I could help.

What I’ve noticed with the women I coach, is when they’re feeling anxious it’s usually because they’re not happy with what is currently going on in their lives and therefore, they’re scared of their future. The future is the greatest unknown.

I’ve experienced similar feelings and I can relate. I love setting goals for myself and when I’m struggling accomplishing those goals, I stress that in the future none of my goals will be met. I’d die without accomplishing my dreams. My thoughts can be that extreme.

I found when I’m helping women, they have the same thoughts. I help them to voice how they feel. Once they say their inner most thoughts out loud, I help them diminish their fears of the future. I tell them they’re not alone and I have similar fears as they do.

An example, is that I’m trying to finish a manuscript for a romance novel I’ve been writing for over nine months. I’m on my third draft of the novel, but it’s still not where I want it to be. My goal was to have the novel finished four months ago. As you can imagine, I’m frustrated with my progress. I’ve had many moments where my stress over not finishing the novel when planned, consumed my thoughts. I’d imagine the book never being completed. I’ll be stuck writing this book forever and I’d never be able to start the next book that I already have constructed in my mind.

My fear became so powerful, that I’d sit at my computer and stare at it as if it was my greatest enemy.

I’d write scenes, read them, and then delete them. Finally, I figured out the problem. The character’s voice became my voice. I wanted to finish the novel so badly, that I was controlling the outcome of each scene. My thought process was that I’d finish the novel much faster if the scenes went according to how I wanted them, versus what the character would do, because the character’s voice was unknown until I wrote the words on my laptop. And that’s why the manuscript wasn’t working. I wasn’t writing about my life. I was telling the heroine’s story.

Now, you may not be a writer, but I hope you can take a situation in your life where you’re trying to control the outcome, but it doesn’t feel quite right.

The story wasn’t flowing. I needed to get out of my head and allow the character to tell her story. I needed to trust the character’s voice and trust the universe that the story would end once the character is done finishing it.

Ironically, I was at a point in the story where my heroine was also afraid of her future and she was trying to control her life. She feared the unknown. She left her fiancé and was trying to figure out who she was without him in her life and what she wanted her new life to look like. And that takes time. She was finding her flow as I was.

Myself, my heroine, and the women I coach all had goals where we were trying to control the outcome to such a degree, we developed a fear of the unknown.

The greatest unknown is the future.

So, I got out of my head and gave my character the chance to tell her story. It became fascinating to see how the character trusted her choices more than I had. She was trusting what was going on presently in her life, therefore diminishing the fear of the future.

My book was flowing again. Once my book flowed, I trusted other choices in my life, because I was happier and no longer stuck in my head. I knew the future would be okay, because I was trusting the present.

What I’ve discovered is the moment you feel fear; you feel as if you have to control things.

The future is the unknown. There’s nothing you could do about that. It’s how you handle the present that’s important. It helps with the state of your mind when you think about the future.

I teach the women I coach to put the future aside. Instead, I encourage them to enjoy their present. Meaning, to create goals, but not to obsess over the outcome. Obsessing only creates fear. Just like the heroine in my novel, her story will be told. The book will be finished. I just had to get out of the way, believe it would happen, and allow the magic of the universe to take over and give my mind a much-needed rest.

Hope this helps!

XO,
Rochelle

3 Ways to Change Your Life When Nothing is Working

As a romance writer, I receive emails from readers who tell me they want to have a life like one of the heroines in my novels. A life where they not only find and stay with their true love, but they are working and making a great living doing what they love to do. The readers write, that not only do they dislike their jobs, but they either haven’t found their true love or the relationship they’re currently in feels empty.

I understand what the readers are saying.

About a year ago, I read a romance novel where the heroine ended a relationship with a man who didn’t want a commitment. She walked away even though she loved him and their incredible connection. Before she said goodbye, she thanked him. Because of him, she was ready to commit to a relationship. Even as she told him this, she knew leaving him was going to be one of the hardest things she ever had to do. Yet, she left him anyway.
I finished the novel and thought about how much we put up with in life, whether it is working at a job that doesn’t make us happy, or a relationship that isn’t fulfilling our needs. I also thought about how long we’re willing to stay in those situations when our goals and what we crave in life aren’t met.
The fact is, every one of us wants to live the life we’ve always imagined. And the readers who reach out to me are ready to change their lives. They just don’t know how.

So, I put together some tools that I use in my own life, when I life coach, and when I write about the heroines in my novels. I hope they help you, too!

Step 1: What kind of relationship do you want to have?

It doesn’t matter if you’re finding your true love or you’re already in a relationship.

If you’re finding true love, what is your ideal partner? Try to avoid how you physically want them to look. Instead, think about how you want them to be on the inside. How do you want them to treat you? What kind of activities do you enjoy together? Is he/she emotionally and physically ready for you?
If you’re currently in a relationship are there ways you can personally change to strengthen your relationship? Are you happy with how you’re treated in your relationship? If not, how else would you like to be treated? Are your needs being met? If not, how can things change in order for your needs to be met?

Actions Step: Take out your journal or a few pieces of paper. Now since you’ve thought about this, write at least two pages on what you want and how you want to be treated in a relationship, whether you’re still looking or you’re with someone. The more specific you are the better.

Step 2: What have you always imagined doing with your life?

How have you pictured yourself earning an income? What is your dream career? When you were young, what did you imagine yourself doing? Take time and think about how you can impact the world doing what you love. Do you want to serve others? Do you want to work for yourself? Do you want your job to include traveling? Do you want to have a job where you make your own hours? Do you want to work from home? Do you want to be a manager or a leader? Really think about this. Use your imagination and don’t hold any thoughts back. Anything is possible.

Action Step: Write at least two pages about what you’ve always dreamed of doing as a career. The more specific you are the better.

Try not to be realistic while you write. Let your thoughts carry you. There are no limits. Try not to have doubts and fears as you write.

Step 3: Read what you’ve written from the first and second steps.

You can read what you’ve written as many times as you’d like. Then reflect on what you’ve written. Reflect on how you’re living right now versus what you wrote down on paper. Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself these questions or any other questions that come to your mind. Here are a few that I came up with:

Are you working at your dream job? Why are you not doing what you love? What is stopping you from living the life you just wrote down in your journal?
If you can’t leave your job, what ways can you change your behavior or actions to make it your dream job?

Action Step: What step can you take toward making your dream job a reality?

Example: If your dream job requires a degree or certificate, take one class toward that degree. You can also find someone who’s already working in the job you’d like and ask them questions.

After reading about what you want in a relationship, how can you be open enough to find your true love? Are there walls you’ve built around your heart to protect yourself from getting hurt? Are you ready to break down those walls? The fact is, it doesn’t matter how many dates you go on. If the walls around your heart are thick, no one can get through, including your dream partner.

Another question: Do you need to learn to trust yourself again? In the novel I’m currently writing, in the beginning of the story the heroine doesn’t trust herself because of what happened in her past relationship. But as the story goes on, she learns to trust herself again and the choices she makes. If you trust yourself, it will help you trust a new partner as well.

Here are some questions if you’re already in a relationship:

Has your partner hurt you in some way, that caused you to build walls around your heart? Are you able to remove those walls so you can enjoy your partner again? Do you need to communicate better and let your partner know what you’d like to improve in your relationship?
And if you’re being mentally and emotionally mistreated, are you ready to walk away from your partner?

I’m not saying any of this is easy. It’s not easy walking away from someone you love. But at the same time, staying in an unfulfilled, empty, and in some cases abusive relationship, is not helping you live the life you’re always dreamed of having.

It may take time to make the necessary changes I listed above to live the life you’ve always wanted. But I encourage you to take a leap of faith and make changes no matter how small.

I want you to live the life you wrote down in your journal.

These are just a few tools I use in creating the life I want, the life my life coaching clients want, and the way I write my heroines in my romance novels. You deserve to live the life you crave. If you need help with these steps, please feel free to contact me.
I hope this helps you!