Last week was my birthday. It’s the time of year when you speak to some family members and friends you haven’t spoken to in a while. They call to wish you a happy birthday and then proceed to ask you questions about your life that in some instances you’re not wanting to give.
What I’ve learned and what I tell the women I coach, is that you don’t have to give everyone every detail of your life. There are situations in your life you view as sacred and that not everyone, including family members, have reached your soul.
I have a client who has a friend who calls her every few weeks. When she calls, she asks her a myriad number of questions. My client feels the need to answer the questions because she doesn’t want to be rude. But the questions are so personal and she feels her friend judges her choices in her life. And then my client feels defensive as she’s talking to her. By the time she gets off the phone, she feels bad about herself and her choices.
I’m here to tell you, that you don’t have to answer anyone’s questions that you don’t want to.
I’m giving you permission, just as I gave my client permission, and just as I gave myself when someone I only speak to every few months called me on my birthday, wished me well, and proceeded to grill me with what was going on in my life. It wasn’t the questions she was asking me as much as the tone she was using. This person hadn’t earned the right to ask me the questions she had, because she didn’t know me very well. She didn’t know my storyline and even if she did, the tone she used would never have made me tell her every secret I have. So how did I handle her?
First, I took a deep breath.
Next, I wondered how she was doing in her own life. She sounded bitter. What was going on with her? So, I changed the subject from me to her. I asked how she was. And just as I suspected she wasn’t happy. She spoke about herself for a few more minutes and then I did something I never would have done growing up or in my early adult years, I told her I had to go. I thanked her for calling and wishing me a happy birthday and then I got off the phone.
You don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to talk to. Or, if it’s a family member or a friend you see from time to time, you’re allowed to get off the phone with them.
What I discovered, and what I tell my women clients is that we’re powerful beings. We don’t need to speak to anyone who makes us feel less than who we are. This includes speaking with them on the phone or in person. We need to be around others who mirror our power and not attempt to take it away from us, because no one should be capable of that.
I won’t give my power away to anyone and neither should you.
The heroine in the romance novel I’m currently writing has been through a difficult time. The only person in her life who knows the extent of what she’s going through is her best friend, Seth. She doesn’t open her heart and tell her coworkers or some of her family members details of what she’s been going through. But she trusts Seth. He’s always been there for her. He’s honest with her, but at the same time loving. Gentle. He believes in her and he’s supports her through the good and bad. He’s earned her vulnerability. Her trust. Not her coworker, Beth, who’s curios about her and accuses her of flirting with their boss. That’s not someone she feels comfortable with spilling her beans.
Here are three tools I use in my own life when someone who hasn’t touched my soul is prying into my life. The heroines I write about use these tools as well as the women I coach. I hope this helps you, too.
Set boundaries and stick to them.
When you feel the other person on the phone is being judgmental toward you, get off the phone. End the call nicely. I don’t believe you should ever hang up on the person unless they’re being abusive. But get off the phone. You don’t need this person to enter your sacred space or lower your vibration. You don’t want them to ruin your beautiful day. If you’re talking to them in person, keep your time with them short. The shorter the better.
Choose if you want this person in your life at all.
This may be difficult if this is a person who is friends with your other friends or they’re family and you have to see them. Again, what I recommend is when you have to see them you keep your encounter short and sweet and then walk away. You don’t need to hang out with anyone who doesn’t make you feel like the goddess you are. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and not bring you down.
Breathing is so important when dealing with others who have lower vibrations than you. Usually when someone is acting judgmental it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how unhappy he or she is. Not that I’m making excuses, because I believe everyone should be kind. But when you take a deep breath, it helps you get out of your head, and see the situation for what it really is. This will help you feel calm and even compassionate for the other person.
Mostly, remember that you’re a powerful person who trusts the choices you make in your life and no one can take that away from you.
I hope this helps. Please contact me if you need more guidance.